June 7, 2012
When all you’re craving is this:
Do not eat this:
I’ve learned my lesson.
I’ve also agreed to a weight loss competition with an identity-should-remain-a-secret person. It starts next week.
So, Monday, I eat this:
Today, I eat this:
PS- Somebody finally discovered paint! Somebody also doesn’t know how to make the text look bigger, so hooray for you guys– you get to look at giant pictures of my food!
June 1, 2012
Last night I was so excited
I could hardly sleep
Nothing could get me to drift off
Not even counting sheep
Instead I stayed up thinking
About my game plan for today
I mapped out every morsel
Before I finally hit the hay
What exactly am I planning?
I’m so happy that you ask
For I drifted off with a smile on my face
My excitement I can’t mask
You see, to me today
Is the best day of the year
Some might think this obsession is weird
But I don’t really care
It’s better than Christmas morning
Much better than any gift
And if I ever missed this event
I’d be really miffed
My friends, it’s National Donut Day
No, I’m not being clever
You really get to eat as many donuts as you want
With no guilt what-so-ever
No matter what you’re preference
Boston Cream or Blueberry Cake
You can stuff your gob until you burst
Of every kind they make
So, get yourself to a donut shop
And eat until you blow up like a balloon
Because you won’t be able to do it again
Until the first Friday of next June!
I hope you enjoyed this little ditty
About my favorite breakfast treat
Because in all their doughy goodness
They’re really hard to beat
Happy National Donut Day!
May 30, 2012
I wrote my last rent check for my place last week.
Signed, stamped, and in the mail.
Can somebody please tell me what the f*ck I was doing the past 10 months? Because I could swear I was just moving in yesterday.
Although the past year has positively flown by, there have been a few life lessons that I’ve learned during my year of solitary living. Some important, some funny, and some just downright embarassing. But all worthy of noting.
1.) You will get bored. Sometimes you’ll get so bored, you decide you should take up meditation as an in-home hobby. You soon realize this is just as boring, just in a much more uncomfortable position.
2.) Consider yourself lucky if you have a pet to talk to. Because if you don’t, it’s just you and mirror. And don’t think you won’t go there. You will.
3.) It is possible to eat an entire bag of chocolate chips during one episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Even if you only meant to eat one. Or two.
4.) There is no need to cook an entire batch of tacos on a random Wednesday night. Nobody is going to “pop in” for dinner. And taco meat gets really old after eating it for four days straight.
5.) Walking around naked isn’t nearly as fun as television makes you think. I tried it once and got embarrassed.
6.) You can eat ice cream any time you want. Nobody will know. Nobody. Well, except your doctor when your yearly physical reveals you’ve gained 10 pounds.
7.) You’ll get really good at practicing your facial expressions in your bathroom mirror. I’ve got “surprised” and “concerned” down pat.
8.) Sometimes you’ll lie and say you went to the gym, when really all you did all day was sit in your 10 year old sweatpants eating saltines and switching back and forth between Mrs. Eastwood and Company and Bethenney Ever After.
9.) You will get lonely. Sometimes you’ll call a friend for a drink. Sometimes you’ll pick up the phone and have an hour long conversation with your mom. And sometimes you’ll just indulge yourself in a self-induced pity party. (Tears optional.)
10.) If you’re a girl, you’ll still change your sheets. If you’re a guy– probably not.
11.) You’ll get sad when you don’t get mail. Really– don’t people believe in writing letters anymore?
12.) Prospective tenants coming to look at your apartment don’t count as company. There is no need to bake cookies.
13.) There is nothing better than coming home to your very own space after a long day at work or a night out with friends. Nothing.
14.) You’ll get angry when your friends take longer than an hour to play Words with Friends. Constantly refreshing your phone will not speed them up. Trust me.
15.) You’ll know you’ve gone too long without talking to anybody when you’re own boyfriend texts you with “Are you alive?”
16.) It is possible to read Twilight in a week. No, not the first book. The entire series.
17.) Facebook stalking does not count as human interaction.
18.) It’s the only time in your life when you can be completely anal about the way your place looks. So if you can’t fall asleep unless all your throw pillows are in place on your couch, get it out of your system now.
19.) Screaming and jumping on your counter is a completely rational response to seeing a mouse. So is calling your boyfriend and making him come pick you up at 10pm on a Tuesday because you’re convinced the mouse is definitely in your bed. Like, under the covers. (Note: no, it isn’t.)
20.) Get to know your maintenance man. He’ll be a life saver when you have a gas leak. Or your hot water heater goes. Or when your kitchen light has been stuck on for a week and you don’t know why.
21.) And finally,it might take you 10 months, but you’ll realize that so far, it’s been the best year of your life. Everybody should live alone at least once.
I’ll definitely be sad when my lease is up July 31st, but I’ve also got a lot to look forward too. Now excuse me, I’m off to watch a marathon of New Girl. (Probably the least embarrassing show that I currently watch.)
May 25, 2012
November 16, 2011
Hi everyone. Long time no talk.
I’m not even going to try to make excuses.
I’ve been slacking.
I’ve gotten so lazy I haven’t even made a real dinner in the last three days. I’ve been eating frozen chicken nuggets.
But that’s neither here nor there. I’m actually here to talk about my feet.
Remember a few months ago when I went on a rampage about “how this is it! I’m going to run race! A really long race! Rah rah rah rah, I’m going to read running books! And buy finger shoes! And run like a man doing Tai Chi! WEE!”
Ok, weelll– I started to do all of that. I did.
I began by reading Born to Run.
If you haven’t read it yet, you have to.
It basically made me wish I was an African bushman, living in a village and hunting antelope with my bare hands.
I was all like “Screw work! I’m moving! I’m quitting my job to live the life of a running vagabond, with nothing but the shoes on my feet and the fanny pack around my waist! Lindsay Gump!”
Thankfully, I came out of whatever dream world I was living in and came back to Earth when I finished the book.
(I mean, c’mon. We all know I wouldn’t actually wear a fanny pack. Africa, yes. Fanny pack, no.)
However, the book did inspire me to run again. (That was the point, right?)
So, I started in on my half marathon training program.
I even switched shoes. Goodbye over-cushioned Saucony’s– helloooo 5 year old Puma’s with the flat sole that I’ve had forever.
And let me tell you, I felt great.
I was running like the wind! I was passing people on the streets!
When I got tired, I simply did as one tribe in Born to Run did.
I would find a runner in front of me, pretend they were an antelope, and chase them.
Except the people on the book were chasing real antelope.
So they could eat. And, you know. Survive.
Me? I was just some creep running the streets of Boston, sneaking up on people, and doing a little dance when I came up on their heels in silent victory.
In my head I’d be like, “Ha! If you were an antelope, you’d be dead! Sucker!
In real life, if they turned around, I’d stop and pretend to tie my shoe.
This strategy was going great.
One day at the gym, I had forgotten my new trusty Puma’s, so I had to wear my old, over-cushioned, soul-crushing Saucony’s.
I sanely and rationally talked myself through it.
“Just one run won’t kill me. I wanted to do 5 miles, so that’s what I’m going to do. 5 miles. No less.”
So, I got on the treadmill and started happily running, pony tail bouncing, feet feeling over-burdened and claustrophobic, but essentially ok.
One mile down. Two miles down.
Three miles down.
Ow, my heel kind of hurts.
3.5 miles down.
Why does my heel feel like it’s cracking in half?
4 miles down.
Good God I think I shattered my foot but I’m finishing these 5 miles if it f*cking kills me.
5 miles later, I was literally whimpering like a wounded kitten abandoned on the side of the road.
I limped home, iced it, put my feet up, and assumed I’d feel better in the morning.
The next morning I woke up, stretched, and swung my legs out of bed, stood up…
…and promptly almost fell over.
The only way to describe the pain is– it felt like someone had shattered my heel with a hammer and then lit it on fire.
As it progressively got worse throughout the day, it became clear that walking ever again was out of the question. I had resigned to live the life of a person who never stood up.
I would simply be known as Sitting Lindsay.
A little research later, it was obvious I was suffering from the bane of every runner’s existence.
Bascially, it’s a horrible foot condition, typical in runner’s, that has no cure and has been known to last for up to two years.
Never mind all that though. I was all hung up on the fact that one of the causes was “sudden weight gain.”
Not “overtraining” or “bad running form”.
Nope. Sudden weight gain.
No longer was I a stealth Bushman hunting unsuspecting antelope on the African plains.
I was reduced to a chubby, red-headed faux runner who thought running another half marathon was easily within my grasp, until I was stricken with an incurable foot condition.
So in summary– my foot hurts.
I guess I could have just said that from the start.