Preacher Camping: 1 Mayans: 0 (So Far)

May 19, 2011

Preacher Harold Camping has crunched the numbers, folks, and it looks like the Mayans were wrong. His irrefutable proof guarantees that we’ve only got 2 more days left on Earth, and the world is, in fact, ending (again) on Saturday.

Did anyone care to tell me that?

I’ve been operating under the assumption that the world was ending in December 2012, so this new information really screws up my weekend plans.

I mean, I really wish I had been given a little more notice. This new day of rapture is pretty inconvenient for me.

If I had known, I wouldn’t have wasted $40 on the sign up fee for the 5-miler I’m running on Sunday.

(Oh, who am I kidding? Screw the $40. If we’re all being honest here, I’m kind of jazzed I don’t have to run it anymore.)

But seriously– a Saturday?

Why couldn’t it be on a Monday, when my will to live is almost zero anyway? That would have been much better.

And why does it have to be the first non-rainy day that we’ve seen in over a week? It would have been nice to have at least ONE more beach day before we’re all sent to the fiery depths of Hell.

I’ve even spent the last two days depriving myself of dessert, assuming I would, at some point in the next few months, have to wear a bathing suit.

Depriving yourself dessert for no reason whatsoever is the definition of cruelty.

And now my self-sacrifice has been for naught.

What the hell!

Oh, and what about the new clothes I just bought online? I’m not supposed to get them until next Wednesday.

Now I’ll never know if the shorts I ordered really do make my legs look “long and lean” just like they promised they would.

I’ve always wanted long and lean legs. And now I’ll never have them.

Another dream crushed by the rapture.

Sigh.

But…I guess I should be a little grateful. We were allowed to live through the season finale of Modern Family and Grey’s Anatomy.

But at the same time, that’s kind of an asshole move. Everyone knows season finales come with some kind of cliff-hanger.

Now we’ll NEVER know what happens to Meredith and Derek next season.

And what about the Dancing with the Stars finale on Tuesday? Is that just not supposed to happen because the world is gonna end?

I spent 50 cents texting my votes for Hines. And now my votes mean nothing.

Ugh.

It’s all just so unfair.

Now do you see why a little more notice would have been nice?

So, go on everyone, and enjoy your last few days here on Earth.

In the words of Dave Matthews:

Celebrate we will, cuz life is short but sweet for certain.
(so we’ll)
Eat drink and be merry.
(because)
The future is no place to place your better days!

(In my opinion, Dave Matthew lyrics are all the irrefutable proof I need that the world is ending. I mean, really, did he know this day was coming?)

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5 Responses to “Preacher Camping: 1 Mayans: 0 (So Far)”

  1. Brotha Says:

    First of all Saturday is just when God is taking all the righteous people (a whopping 3% of the earths population (which I’m guessing means there will be no more Chinese or Indians)) off the the afterlife and we who are left will have to live with 5 months of natural disasters. On top of all the natural disasters we’re currently encountering. Looks like we’re screwed! Second of all Dave Matthews sucks!

  2. lindsayhutton Says:

    Wait– so I won’t be vaporized on Saturday? I have until October? This is great news!


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