Split Pants

May 13, 2011

It might be safe to say my self-esteem took a bit of a blow yesterday.

I split my pants.

I mean, I really split my pants.

Right smack dab down the front.

Let me start from the beginning.

Believe it or not, I wasn’t even having a fat day.

In fact, I was feeling quite slim and jaunty.

My jauntiness came from the fact that, the night before, I had mustered all my will-power and denied myself dessert.

So, mentally, I felt skinnier. And I was convinced that I definitely must have been looking pret-ty lean.

Which is why I decided to wear a pair of pants I haven’t worn in quite a while.

On my lunch break, with my new-found leanness still intact, I decided to wander downstairs to Filene’s Basement to check out their bathing suit collection and maybe even see how a few looked on my new, dessert-free frame.

Needless to say, that didn’t go so well.

It wasn’t Filene’s Basement’s fault– their bathing suit collection was quite cute.

However, my body stuffed into any of said bathing suits? Not so much.

Self-esteem blow #1– denying yourself dessert for one night might make you think you’ll look good in a two piece, but alas. You will not.

In an effort to blame anything but myself for my lack of success, I figured it must have been the mirrors/lack of tan/post-winter pasty skin that made them look so bad.

So, instead of buying a new bathing suit, I focused my mind elsewhere and bought a cute pair of capris and a billowy patterned blouse to add to my summer wardrobe.


Oh boy, was I excited! I couldn’t wait to get home and show off my purchases to my roommate!

The rest of the day passed in a blur.

A busy day for me means sitting still in a chair and staring intently at a computer screen while typing furiously.

Sometimes it makes my legs stiff. So every once in a while, I’ll sit cross-legged in my chair.

I sat cross-legged in my chair yesterday.

In the pants I haven’t worn in quite a while.

When the end of the day rolled around, I grabbed my bag of new clothes, put on my jacket, and caught the T home.

I rode the T blissfully unaware of any problems brewing below, reading my book and giddy with the excitement that only showing off new clothes can bring.

I walked in the door and sought out my roommate.

“C’mere! I bought new clothes! Come see, come see, comeseeeee!”

She sat down on the couch with eager anticipation.

“Hold on, let me just take off my coat.”

When I returned from hanging it up in the closet, I saw her eyes go wide.

Like, really wide.

And then, she said the dreaded words no girl ever wants to hear.

“Oh my God, Lindsay– did you split your PANTS??”

I looked down, and sure enough. Right there, in the front of my pants, big enough for the whole world to see, was a hole.

A hole so big, I could fit my hand through it.

Have a look for yourself:

Self-esteem blow #2– It is not a good idea to sit cross-legged in a pair of pants that you haven’t worn in quite a while. It might cause them to split. And then you may or may not obliviously walk around like that for the rest of the day.

In horror, I changed into yoga pants and refused to change out of them for the rest of the night.

Later that night, I went to a friend’s house for pizza, Arbor Mist, and Grey’s Anatomy. (Yes, I know there are two things wrong with that statement. I should not have been eating pizza after splitting my pants, and yes– I do drink Arbor Mist. It’s tasty and makes me feel nostalgic.)

My friends were sympathetic, and assured me it happens to everyone at some point.

It’s true.. I suppose it does happen to everyone at some point.

I felt assured. I felt validated. I was feeling better.

I had put the whole incident out of my mind.

I allowed myself a second slice of pizza.

But as we were leaving, my friend Bridget couldn’t help giving me one last parting shot.

We said good bye and I walked to my car in my nice, expandable yoga pants, she looks over her shoulder and said–

“Be careful getting in your car. You don’t wanna split your pants!”

Yeah. Got it. Thanks, Bridge.


4 Responses to “Split Pants”

  1. DAD Says:

    What’s the big deal, us guys walk around almost every day with our flys down. Seems commonplace to me!

  2. Bill Says:

    Perhaps there was poor quality stitching in your pleather.

  3. Bridget Says:

    LOL… I love that you included pictures.

  4. Mom Says:

    ohhhh Linsay!

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