The Winning Insult

March 31, 2011

For those of you who don’t know, I won a little contest on Tuesday and scored myself some tickets to a play (more on that later).

I read a little column on called Love Letters. It’s a…ahem…loveadvicecolumn. (I said that really fast hoping nobody would hear what I actually just said.)

I admit it– it’s a guilty pleasure. I find solace in the fact that there are people out there infinitely more insane/paranoid/crazy than me. Most of the letters make me seem 100% normal.

I like that.

Anyway, the columnist Meredith had a little contest where she asked her audience to write in and tell her the best/worst physical compliment/insult a significant other had ever said to you.

Keep in mind her target audience. If I had to put them in a category, it would be 20-30 something-year-old bored housewives, bat-shit crazy psychos, and unlucky-in-love females who just for the life of them can’t figure out why Mr. Right hasn’t come along and swept them off their feet, especially with all the charming, wonderful, ADORABLE qualities they have to offer so they write in to desperately seek an answer to the injustice of it all.

And me.

Anyway, let me just say, I don’t usually participate in any of her contests. I don’t comment on the letters, and I certainly have never written in. (Although I do have an affinity of saying “Ask Meredith” whenever someone I know is telling me a tale of love woe.)

I am a Love Letters creeper, plain and simple.

But, I had to write in to this contest. I had the perfect entry.

I knew, as I was writing it, that it would win. I would have bet my next paycheck.

And sure enough– it did.

So, for those of you who have been asking, here’s the actual winning email that I wrote:
Hi Meredith,
Let me preface this by saying that my ex-boyfriend is a great guy, so it’s my belief this gem was actually a compliment that came out horribly wrong.

One night, while lounging on the couch watching television, I had my legs draped casually on his lap. I have no idea what prompted him to do this, but during one commercial break, he picked up one of my (muscular, I like to think) legs, and said in awe:

“Look at this thing! It could feed an Ethiopian!”

Hope you found this as enjoyable as I found it horrifying 🙂

And Meredith’s response was short and to the point:
I love this. It’s a winner for sure.

Thanks Meredith. Now my Ethiopia-sized legs are going to carry me down to the gym, where I plan on pounding out a solid 10k on the tread.

Sorry Ethiopia. No leg for you today.


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